Alienating Activities
Here is a list of things she has done to alienate, to brainwash the kids against me. Do not view these as a sane, rational, logical thinking person - you would never think a mother could do this to her kids. You would view it as short sighted, damaging and say things like, "doesn't she know what she is doing to the kids?". Rather, view these as the actions of a mentally ill person - a sick individual who is enabled by the support of friends and family.
Documentable...
Pretty much all items listed here have supporting documentation. I have voice recordings, phone messages, and emails. I also have from court documents - findings of fact, things she has said to the attorneys, the judge and the arbitrator, etc.
List of Alienating Activities...
Son was diagnosed with diabetes about a year before divorce started
Son admitted, diagnosed and treated August 2004.
She has been a diabetic as well since she the age of 5.
She used her diabetes to develop a closer bond with our son since they both shared diabetes.
Usually, diabetes is considered a "family illness" meaning that a child is diagnosed and neither parent is knowledgeable about how to administer insulin or care for the child. They usually all learn how to manage it together.
Since she was a diabetic (but up until this point had not told either child she was) this allowed for an easier, smoother and faster transition for our son.
However, she used this bond with our son to start out as the sole caregiver and kept dad at a distance with his diabetic care.
When I attempted to become involved in the process, I was told that our son was doing very well and I didn't need to worry about it.
When I pressed, since it is important that both parents know how to do this, I was berated in front of my son. I continued to try but to know avail.
Filed a Domestic Violence Restraining Order and a Divorce From Bed and Board
In Wake County, North Carolina, a Domestic Violence Restraining Order is also called a 50(b). I might refer to it as this much easier to type.
Also, a Divorce From Bed and Board needs to be explained.
It is not a divorce but rather a court ordered separation.
This is all crucial in understanding what happened. Domestically, you have to understand, neither of us was happy, but there was no domestic violence. There was no emotional abuse. We had been to a marriage counselor but not making much (any?) progress. Knowing that I was going out of town on a business trip for a week, all of this took place while I was out of town.
This was not the act of a victim, it was a planned and orchestrated sequence of events designed to make dad look bad in the eyes of his children.
I acknowledge that there are valid reasons for these laws to be in place. However, in order to err on the side of caution, the accused loses (even temporarily) his or her rights.
Upon return from my trip, I was met by local Sheriffs and removed from my home - not even knowing where my children were.
After filing above, took kids to a shelter for battered women/families
I only found out later where she and the kids went after filing the Domestic Violence Restraining Order (the 50-b).
they went to NC Interact - a shelter that "provides safety, support and awareness to victims and survivors of domestic violence..." I know that they play an important role in the community, I am not taking anything away from this organization, I am just amazed that the system can be so abused and wonder what these people would do/say if they knew that some women do actually abuse the process. Regardless, the act of taking the children out of their home and going to such a shelter is just another indication of how an obsessive alienator is willing to involve her children in the process of "punishing" the other parent.
Comment about involving the kids thus far...
I had to go to court to defend myself against the 50-b. I am not sure of the exact terminology - the Domestic Violence Restraining Order was dimissed or not extended after I appeared in court. There was no history or proof of any domestic violence - there were no police reports or calls to 911 operators. There were no bruises or broken bones. While she attempted to explain that there was emotional abuse - it did not work. It's difficult to show emotional abuse when you live in a house that is completely paid for, drive a new car that was paid for in cash and you are a stay at home mom who spends all your free time at the children's school. But, it didn't matter to her. The act of having to suffer through this process, to play the victim - in front of the children, to her family and to her friends just reinforced the perceptions from the children that dad was the bad guy. I am sure they were not told that the judge did not believe mommy. I am certain however they were told why it was she was going to court in the first place.
Would not allow me to speak with kids when I called
I remember calling the house the first time after being removed from my home. How do you deal with this situation? You call the house, the phone rings, and no one answers. Do you call right back? How long do you have to wait before you try again? You only know that you have been thrown out of your house. You don't know what the kids have been told, or even where they had gone during this initial process. You want to tell them you love them and that everything will be alright... but no one answers the phone. Finally she answers the phone. You hear the kids in the background. She tells you that the kids do not want to speak to you and hangs up. I eventually had to go to court. She tells the judge that the children (at the time 10 years and 7 years old) are old enough and smart enough to make up their own minds and that they can answer the phone if they want to, they just chose not to answer. The judge disagrees, stating that the children aren't old enough, are involved, and orders phone calls with the children. Even this is an empty victory. Kids don't really want to talk on the telephone. They especially don't want to be talking to the "evil" parent with mom standing right over them.
She would answer the phone when I called the kids
Each time I called and she answered, she took the opportunity to say something belittling or demeaning. I would be admonished for calling late. I would be told to "do the right thing" because my son's insulin or syringes came to my house rather than hers. I would be told that the kids don't want me to pick them up at school, did not want to be with me, that they hated it... always with the kids standing nearby. My seven year old daughter would get on the phone and parrot some of the sentiments - "you're late" or "we waited for you but you didn't call on time", "you're gonna be in trouble".
I had to go to court to see my kids
She tried everything to prevent me from having any time with the kids. We had to go to mediation first. When asked about a suitable visitation schedule, she told the mediator that "the children wanted a new daddy" and that "they asked a neighbor if he could be their new daddy". When we finally did go to court, she used the fact that I was not involved in my son's diabetic care to prevent me from having any exendend visits with either child. Even though I knew how to count carbs and administer his insulin, I went back to my son's endocrinologist, I went to the Wake Pediatric Diabetes program to go through the process again and get a certificate that said I was able to give my son his shots.
While all this was going on, the judge allowed me to have "short" visits with my kids (why did my daughter have to be involved with that process? She wasn't a diabetic?). My first visit would have been on Friday August 12 - my birthday.
she planned to take the kids out of town for my birthday
This was and becomes a continuing theme in alienating the kids from me. It's about giving them a choice, a voice or a decision in a process where they really don't have one. She would schedule fun events or activities on days she knew they would have to be with me. She would then cancel them, indicating that I was the reason why they couldn't do that fun activity today. When the judge told her that the kids should at the very least spend my birthday with me, she told the judge that she had scheduled a trip to Nashville with her mother to visit her brother. The judge told her to postpone the trip. Now who do you think was the bad guy in all of this... the judge? Dad?
she does not allow dad's family to have any contact with kids
she used son's diabetes to limit my visits
Finally, all excuses were used up. I had been certified in giving insulin injections, although to this point, I had not yet given one to my son. His endocrinologist said that my son should be giving himself his own injections, that this was not a medical issue, and that his mom was infantilizing and turning this into a divorce issue. Somehow though, when the judge wrote up the order for visitation, the judge spoke to her attorney, ex parte, and put into the order that my son could ask for his mom to administer his insulin if he wanted. What do you think? Of course he wanted. So, what did that do to visitation with my children? I saw them every other weekend. I would pick them up on Saturday at 10am and return them home at 7pm on Sunday. Because my son wanted his mom to give him his shots, she would meet us 3 times on Saturday and twice on Sunday to give him his insulin. That meant that I couldn't take them any place far, or fun. I didn't have unfettered access to my kids. One time I took them up to Durham to go to Frankie's Fun park. She couldn't find it, had to rush over to give him his shot and completely freaked out. As much fun as he had there that day, he never wanted to go back. He didn't want to go any farther than 30 minutes away from him mom. Did my visits go well with the children?
She turned visits into unpleasantness
When I came to pick up the kids, I would pull into the driveway. They would come out, all together, huddled in a mass. They would go through this ritual almost - she would kiss each one of the individually, then they would embrace in a group hug. As they made there way into my car, she would call out some words of encouragement - "keep your chins up", "I'm sorry", "just make the best of it". She would then make some disparaging comment directed toward me, with the kids taking this all in. When I returned the kids to home, they were very anxious. They didn't allow the car to stop before jumping out and running to mom, who was already waiting in the driveway. As I would back out of the driveway, I would always hear something like - "you're late" or "you better do (something) or you'll be in big trouble".
Used son's diabetes
wouldn't allow me to administer insulin
made son fearful of allowing me to give shots
Told arbitrator that kids asked for a new father
Told Judge that kids (7 and 10) could make up own minds whether they wanted to speak to their dad on the phone
Psychological Evaluation shows her as enmeshed and alienating
Parental Weaknesses: "she" is overidentified with "son" and is somewhat enmeshed
with him. She is not fostering "his" independent care of his diabetes. She has demonstrated
alienating behaviors with the children toward their father. She undermines "father's"
efforts to become an active participant in "son's" care. She speaks negatively about their father
to the children, although she is working on establishing better boundaries. She shares adult
issues with the children. She seems unaware of how her own emotional needs are affecting the
children, particularly with regard to her feelings about their father. She has no insight into the
harm to the children that lack of contact with their father might engender.
"she" is currently engaging in
alienating behaviors with the children that interfere with their relationship with their father.
She needs to foster the children's independence and to encourage their emotional
separation-individuation.
Arbitrator's comments regarding her alienating...
This is a quote from an email the arbitrator sent to both lawyers, April 4, 2007 - over two years ago, it still continues:
The kids have been hurt whether "she" knows it or not by her actions re: her hatred of "him". It is really going to harm the children further if she doesn’t stop it. She is breaking the golden rule: don’t talk shit about the other parent in front of the kids.
dad and kids want to adopt a dog, she sabotages adoption
Calls child protective services on dad
Uses CPS investigation to get temporary sole custody
Changes kids email and phone numbers
Does not allow dad to deliver Christmast/Channukah presents
Gives Temp Custody Agreement and CPS papers to kids schools
tells teachers not to grant dad parent-teacher conferences
Here is an email reply I received when requesting to meet with my daughter's teacher for a conference:
Re: "Daughter"
From: "Teacher #1"
To: "Father"
CC: "Teacher #2", "Principal"
Hi Mr. "Father",
Mrs. "Teacher #2" and I met with "Daughter"'s mother this evening. We understand that per court order you
receive all information regarding "Daughter" from her mother.
Thank you for your interest in your daughter's continued progress in school. Ms. "Alienator" will
relay all info to you.
Regards,
"Teacher #1"
"School"
Of course, "She" denied it happened that way. Usually, when it goes through the lawyers, it comes out that I am either badgering the teachers or making a scene of some sort.
Here is what her lawyer was saying about my "behavior" at school:
"Apparently, it is the school that decided not to share anything with "Alienated Dad" because "He" kept
trying to go to see "Daughter" and the teacher did not like the emails "Alienated Dad" was sending her. I'm not
sure what, if any of this, you should share with "Alienated Dad", but "Alienator Mom" is not the cause of the school's
position. "Son's" school has sent "Alienated Dad" copies of reports when asked. "Daughter's" school has made a
different decision based upon "Alienated Dad's" conduct, not anything "Alienator Mom" has said or done."
Apparently, the principal didn't see it that way either, here is his email:
From: "Principal"
To: "Alienated Dad"
Subject: Re: "Daughter"
"Alienated Dad",
Here is what happen with your request:
You asked for school information about "Daughter".
I told "Daughter's" teacher about it.
She did not know what to do and neither did I.
I asked her to call "Alienating Parent".
"Alienating Parent" told "Daughter's" teacher not to send information.
I relayed the message to you.
PLEASE get us some legal documentation that describes how we should handle this.
Thank you.
"Principal"
"Alienator's" attorney became personally involved in her divorce, however, even here she is saying what should be:
"Alienated Dad's Atty", I will look into this. There is no reason he cannot get their report cards, and if he
cannot, then "Alienator Mom" should send them to him.
It was all talk, I did not receive kids report cards.
Here is the Principal's last email on the topic:
From: "Principal"
To: "Alienated Dad"
"Alienated Dad",
"Daughter's" mom has made it clear that we are not to share information with you. As long as she has
full custody we must abide by her direction of this situation.
Thank you.
"Principal"
She moved the kids out of town, left no forwarding information
She has moved. It appears that she still owns the house but she is no longer living there. There is no forwarding address.